Jeg setter selvsagt pris på alle mailer jeg får. ”Klir klir, dette er lyden av Dine Gevinster.” Jeg orker nesten ikke tenke på hvor mye arbeid noen har lagt ned i en så fengende tittel, jevnt og trutt og tappert tross sine åpenbart manglende evner i både norsk og markedsføring. Men i dag fikk jeg en mail fra Chad Pitts (!), som ga meg fryktelig dårlig samvittighet. Jeg kan ikke huske Chad, men vi har åpenbart hatt det festlig sammen. Her er hva han skriver:
It`s Chad again. Will you ever contact me?
I made those nude pictures especially for you and I wont write to you again!
If you wanna see them just drop me a line at: email@example.com
Jeg syns Chad virker som en hardtarbeidende, samvittighetsfull og innerst inne litt sårbar fyr, og det ville vært uhøflig, nesten slemt av meg å ikke svare ham. Jeg har allerede sendt ham følgende mail:
I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch, but it seems I cannot recall ever meeting you. By that I do not mean to imply that you are plain, average and not worth noticing, quite the opposite: I would love for you to send me a copy of those nude pictures. I mean, if they are of you. Your mail does not indicate wether you made nude pictures of yourself or of me. If they are of me, you do not need to send them to me. And in the event that they are of me, please apply some neat photoshop work before making them available online for all the world to see, and please do not tag them. This should be obvious for the kind of clever man I can read from your correspondence that you clearly must be.
I must admit that it’s making me a bit worried thinking about having made your acquaintance without remembering any of it. As a relatively nice and ordinary housewife and mother of two, surely I would like to live the kind of double life where I occationally get drugged and dragged home by a fine guy like yourself for a nude photo shoot. However I would like to be left with some vague idea about such a happening taking place, because the memories would be of great value to me in my boring everyday life. And I also think drugging women without their consent is not especially nice or even especially legal, so you might want to appologize to me for that part. I think that kind of behaviour is a bit beneath you, wouldn’t you agree, Chad? Next time if you ask me to take the pill, I probably will and then you’ll be in no trouble with the law. I wouldn’t like to see you go to prison.
Thank you ever so much for writing me, I’m hoping to hear from you soon. My best regards to your mom, I hope she’s in good health.